Walnut

A tale of a total loser, who, at fifty-two years, becomes an even bigger one by buying his FIRST motorcycle: a chrome-encased posermobile on which he trundles across the countryside, in a feverish attempt to amend his misspent youth while subjecting us to unending homilies and downright idiotic drivel for 182 grueling pages. This I’ve made-it-and-now-I’m-gonna-go-ride-my-chrome-toilet is sure to piss anyone off. Softbound, 6" x 8", 182 pp, no illus.

We don’t know of a child who would not want to go on the back of a motorcycle ride this way. We also don’t know of a car driver who, upon seeing this thing in use with any child on a motorcycle, would not call the police on you. But remember when you were a little kid yourself? Wouldn’t you have loved riding behind a grownup this way? Made in USA of sturdy mil-spec webbing with aircraft aluminum and tough carbon-carbon components for long use. Holds children up to 3’ and 55 lbs. Off road use only.

A baby completely changes every aspect of your life. How do you add a little nipper without giving up your bike? Big problem. Recently the famous Millard-Marcus-Rebeka consultancy suggested an entirely new approach: A specialized baby onesie made of abrasion-resistant 500d Gore-Tex Cordura, with a full-length water-proof zipper, internal back padding and three webbed tabs per side, each holding two super-strong rare-earth magnets. There’s also a 1” safety strip of 3M reflective above. Everything is designed to be safe and secure. Simply place child within and position on your bikes gas tank as if it were a magnetic tank bag. Then clip the safety leash carabineer to handlebar. It’s that simple. Features a removable machine washable padded fleece lining, a protective top flap to protect that fragile cranium, and a removable shoulder-strap. Tested to 140 Mph. Specify blue or Pink in Small (1-6 months) or Medium (6 – 18 months) and appearance motif: Pirate, California Raisin, Mighty Mouse, Sponge Bob or Spiderman. USA #ride $259.93

A brand new Aerostich Roadcrafter or Darien can be a bit stiff when it first arrives. Breaking it in to the soft, supple, ultra-comfortable protective garment it is destined to become has always required riding hundreds (or thousands) of miles through all imaginable weather conditions to achieve maximum coziness. Now your garment can arrive pre-conditioned for you. Special gear testing experts will put in the time and miles to achieve the ultimate comfort level for your new gear, so you don’t have to. Broken-in look gives instant street cred the first time you put it on too. Specify Commuting or Adventure style break-in.

Take your batteries and slavish dependence on other high-tech flummery and heave it overboard. With this device, you can pinpoint your location anywhere on earth and not be reliant on dodgy bits of information being projected through the ether by divers black arts. Precision constructed of brass and the finest optics available and featuring premium isinglass sun filters, it is compact and rugged enough for the adventurous motor-cyclist. Mounts for 7/8" and 1" bars are included, as is a fitted, velvet lined rosewood storage case. Not included are required declination charts (call for details) or the extremely accurate watch you are going to need to use this thing. Meets R.N. standard 3329-5 of 1787.

A stained 'stich is a badge of honor. Your personal 3-D signpost of rides, experiences, and events past. A piece of gear that says seasoned, serious rider. Like stonewashed jeans. Each Aero Authentikrud stain kit is scientifically formulated to put legitimate looking stains, dirt and assorted other ‘road wear’ on your suit. Say goodbye to the embarassing newby look. Developed by Bob, Cole and Mark from IBMWR labs. (Thanks fellas...) Specify your suit color and ‘Plains Dust’, ‘Northern Slimy Bugs’, ‘High Plains Dust’, or ‘Urban-Metro Grit’ filth palette.

A unique measuring device designed to easily and simply measure and validate cornering prowess. Mounts easily to the front fender and accurately measures bike-to-road incline geometry. The target lean angle is adjustable via sliding analog reconfigurators, automatically triggering the amplified chime when you get ‘er leaned over way far. Lets you (and anyone within earshot) know you have performed an outstanding display of controlled roadsmanship. WHA-HOOO!! Includes cowbell and walnut. 6"×10"x3". From R. Hafner Racing.

Don’t risk road rage retaliations after kicking some jerk’s car door. In .01 second four ‘Ben Hur’ cutting points can turn your bike into a scary, effective weapon against lane crowding. Menacing diamond tipped titanium blades counterspin at thirty five times the motorcycle wheel’s rotation, driven by permanently lubricated internal planetary gears. Fully retracted they’re undetectable. The breakthrough is a powerful internal gyroscope that creates stability and insures confidence during operation. A safety interlock on the low profile handlebar switch prevents inadvertent actuation when lane splitting, parked or leaned over in turns. You cannot screw up using this active deterrent against lane encroachment. Order as a ‘hub only’ kit and lace up your own spoked wheels or built into an attractive ‘bolt on’ PM spun aluminum wheel for immediate use. Made in Australia by Boring Dan’s Biker Defenses Ltd. Note: the ‘Parade of Lights’ spinner conversion is available only for Gold Wing’s. Specify bike make and year.

The Original Scimitar Brand, safely dry-packed in Mylar anti-static pouches that fit a pannier well. To use, simply tear off the corner of the pouch and release a few ounces of the palladium colored powder into your bike’s tank (or any fuel-proof container). Then add a little gasoline. Expands when needed for that little extra range. Super handy to have if you run out somewhere remote during a cold rainy night. Same underlying molecular alchemic process as ‘dehydrated water’, which has long provided hikers and backpackers with lightweight hydration. Keep some handy in the garage too, for occasional internal combustion petrofuel shortages. Add a little gas to this stuff, then pour into your bike’s tank, and off you go. Six month shelf life. (You’d think the government would find a good use for this…) Surface shipping only. From Nick Miller Industries.

A furry appendage like this has been attached to the end of rider’s keys and jacket zipper pulls since the first motorcyclists sped off one hundred years ago. Signifying impressive speed and nimbleness, this potent good luck charm carries centuries of positive magic. Ancient Africans believed that carrying a piece of any speedy creature would imbue one with that animals characteristics. The superstition came to America with slaves during the eighteenth century. Want to increase your luck, safety, speed, nimbleness, and possibly chances of a (police) escape? Then get this. All rabbit feet are harvested from free range animals who died peacefully in their sleep of old age.

Artistic expression involves the world we live in, and the way Art is used expresses our values and beliefs as a society. This is the blank canvas and artistic tools which will enable you to create your own masterpiece. Find your inner angst, beauty, rage, cynicism or humor…express that vision on your own custom canvas and wear proudly for all to behold. Each unique creation a one-of-a-kind work, just like the masters Whistler, Manet, Degas, Van Gogh & Botticelli. A truly unique artistic opportunity whose value is based not on actuality, but potentiality. 100% Cotton. White. M-XX. 4 pigment dispersal devices included.

If your bike did not come with a center stand, and you mostly ride back and forth between the same three or four places (home/work/groceries/etc...you are very boring), and want maximum upright parking security here's a sure-fire solution you can count on for years. Big and heavy just like the real ones, so you'll never lose it and no one will ever want to borrow it. Unique design fits all bikes, and it's built to last. Smaller bikes only need one. Larger bikes may require two or more. Block Stands are inexpensive enough so you can leave a few of them around, pre-placed, ready wherever you are most likely to be parking. These are faster and easier to use than any other stand. They lessen the rate of long-term suspension sag, and save side stand pivot bolt wear, too! One weighs 16.2 lbs, so we recommend surface shipping.

Just apply, lite’r up, and enjoy being the cause of extreme (...but harmless) noise, attention and general mayhem. With Burnout-In-A-Can, anyone can put on impressive hooligan outlaw displays. Makes choking clouds of acrid smoke while reducing stress and load on your motor’s engine and transmission. Helps all chain, shaft and belt drive systems last longer, too. Everyone will hear your engine bouncing off its rev limiter and smell the powerful tire stink several blocks away, so keep a can handy at all times. Easy to use16 oz aerosol spray provides dozens of scary displays. Formula is100% child safe, cfc free, and is made of all-natural organic chemicals that won’t damage roads or parking lots. Approved by the Norwegian State Institute of Technology.

Supersize everything! The pocket sized Calory Vac literally sucks the invisible calories right out of all food and beverages. This miracle breakthrough is of tremendous importance to motorcyclists. Carry in a pocket and extend it to vacuum out unwanted calories from up to 4’ away. After a few seconds of vacuuming, a quick shake towards the floor (...or toward another meal at a nearby table) dissipates all the unwanted calories. It doesn’t change flavors or textures (except walnuts...) of any foods — even the richest breakfast pastrys, the sweetest deserts or the thickest BBQ’d ribs and steaks. Just imagine the money you’ll save on riding suit alterations alone. This will forever change your roadfood café stops. Solid State Bragg gratings use Hybrid Zero Dynamics algorithms (HZD) to increase exothermal molecular absorption. No Batteries required. 5.4” x .3” compacted. From Houghco.

Tactical vehicle repellent. Before you almost get killed by some inattentive driver, draw this compact problem solver and send a stream of military grade auto-stopping awesomeness in their direction. A proprietary harmless-to-people nano-infused formula enters the target vehicle's air intake putting it temporarily into 'limp mode'. Works on all ICE (Internal Combustion Engine) vehicles, regardless of year or model, and includes quick-draw left sided mount and easy to grip handle optimized for use with gloved hands. Leaves no trace while creating safer and more open roads. Available soon - Capacitor-Discharge EMP (Electro-Magnetic Pulse) firing version for temporarily disabling electric vehicles. Contains walnut.

Additional Information/Resources:

Grow your own Carbon Fiber! Yes, with this kit you can grow lightweight, strong, luxurious tendrils of pure carbon fiber. Just a little water and some sunlight and in a few weeks you’ll have a healthy crop, ready to harvest. With the included resin and squeegee (and any kitchen oven) you’re all set to make any part of your bike lighter and way cooler. Grow media is a proprietary mix of vermiculite and ultra-pure sphagnum moss. Bedding tray is 24” x 11” x 2”. Includes disposable gloves and replacement part molding/shaping instructions.

HEY! WATCH IT! We all know the hazards of navigating a two-wheeler through hordes of urbanites jacked to the gills on 'latte and gabbing to who-knows-who about who-knows-what as they try to grind you beneath the wheels of whatever two-ton mutha they happen to be in nominal control of. A solution falls to hand with Cellphone Sabre TM, a handlebar-mounted signal blanker utilizing recently declassified ex-military sweep-coil jamming technology. It instantly and fully disables all wireless telephones nearby (while causing no permanent harm) and is guaranteed to cleave a path of silence before you at the touch of a button. Loosen up that morning commute and show up at work without embarrassing near-death-experience facial tics. Effective range is approximately a 1/8 mile radius. Can you hear me now? NO!!!!

Compact enough to fit in your top case or saddlebag and extends to an adjustable length higher than most Indian (or African) buses. Telescopes within itself and then folds down to half again in size to pack into a 7"x5"x3" cube. Deploys quickly and easily to scale walls, traverse crevasses, and load motorcycles weighing up to 260 lbs. up onto the roofs of buses for long-distance transport. Rated to hold up to 483 lbs. Manufactured by B.S. Tokstead Industries, includes complete owners manual. See in-use demonstration video below. Namaste. (1 min).

Will allow you to interact more normally with various biker microcultures. Using forced-fractal image projection and high-speed clue building database recognition, this ex-black ops military technology is now available to the motorcyclist. Cross-microcultural stealth is now yours! For example, drive your ratty, high-mileage dual sport to a Ducatisti meeting, and the rapid-compilation 'clue building' software quickly (.02 secs) averages a 'look' for you and your machine, cloaking you via forced-fractal projection into an innocuous moto-conformist. Your bike will blend in, and so will you, allowing you to look at bikes, mingle, and not be harassed or snubbed. Look in a rearview mirror and behold yourself resplendent in a Vanson jacket and a Blues Brothers mini chin beard. No one will know! Comes with one scanner and two image projectors (one for you, one for your bike). An add-on audio emulator is available for $380.00 for the ultimate in stealth. Cruise the main street of Sturgis, and your duct-taped Helix becomes a throbbing Fat Bob. Do be careful around Shriner parades and mopeds. Satisfaction or your money back.

Quickly and inexpensively print functional motorcycle parts indistinguishable from conventionally manufactured originals. Unique 4D feature travels backward thru time to make parts for repairing or restoring forgotten old vintage bikes which don’t exist anymore. Or travels forward for fabricating stuff for bikes you don’t even own yet. (But you’ll be ready!) Produces objects up to 9"×5"×4" using epoxy-sintered metal powder. Whatever designs you can cad-program. Detailed info and specifications available at the Aerostich website. Requires standard flux capacitor consumer base sold separately, and available at most Ace, Home Depot or Lowes stores. 14"×24”×18", 122lbs, 220 3 phase, 7.4GW. 5D peripheral insures printed items also smell like they should, too.

Poof. Whoops. Is red positive? A well-known principle of electronic devices is the fact that they operate on a distinctive type of rather pungent smoke. As long as it’s retained within the componentry of the gadget in question, all is well. However, the slightest bungle or confusion (polarity mis-match, over voltage event) often results in it escaping. Never fear such an occurrence again with the genuine E.S.R. unit. This hand-cranked unit (no electricity!) will quickly scavenge all the odiferous matter wafting around the area and will then store and concentrate it in the quartz-lined receptacle in the middle of this flashlight-sized unit. The other end of the unit provides a titanium-tipped, multi-component compatible injection device for replacing the smoke into the semiconductor, capacitor, or inductor in question. A must-have item for any shop, especially if you’re an idiot.

Developed for motorcycle game warden patrols in the Kalahari and Serengetti. Produces an ultra-low frequency farting sound that only large animals hear. Works well on moose, cows, giraffe, elephants, wildebeest, Winnebago’s, and elk.Based on latest research that elephants hear ultra-low frequencies for many miles. If you liked deer whistles, uh......

Add-ons that make a difference. Multiple added little pockets plus decorative sections of intentionally contrasting fabrics and colors so you’ll look supremely competent and capable, no matter how skillfully (or not) you may actually ride. But wait, there’s more: Built in coffee maker? Check. Emergency parachute? Check. Universal nightlight holders? Check. Deployable chaff screens? Check. Calibrated phase-change monitors? Check. SCUBA tank attachment points? Check. With this your gear can out-tech everyone else. Prominent oversize brand and label artwork included.

Additional Information/Resources:

Know exactly when your gear has reached a state of ideal road-filth equilibrium, I.E. – when the riding suit cannot get any dirtier or cleaner. It’s simple, really...ride off with clean new gear…and as the miles add up it gets dirtier and dirtier. Then after a while you ride through some rain and it gets a little cleaner again. The rain stops and it doesn’t rain for a while so you again get dirtier. Eventually a balance point is reached. Equilibrium. This point is a little different for each rider/bike combination, which is where this precision Swiss calibrator comes in. Measures light waves and embedded nano-particulates, adjusting automatically for leather and textile garments. Originally developed by US military clothing research (for active combat uniforms) in co-operation with NASA (for space suits) and the W.L. Gore company. Research subjects included Randy Brody of Aerostich, and endurance rider John Ryan. After one use you won’t know how you got along without it. Settles campfire arguments about who's riding gear is the worst, once and for all. Also required maître d' equipment at all Michelin Guide five star restaurants, too.

Gets your point across...better. High-Vis Technology that works. Perfect for super-slab and night riding - this communication enhancement tool effectively highlights a succinctly pointed message of disapproval. It's ideal for directing toward distracted cagers, cruise-missile taxi's and other clueless traffic idiots. Slips easily over your left digitus medius on gloved or ungloved hand. Three sizes for a comfortable fit and to ensure your message is crisply presented. An adjustable nylon wrist safety tether holds it securely to matter how it's deployed. Three versions: Standard Hi-Viz, Hi-Viz with retro-reflective strip, Competition deluxe version with Hi-Viz, retro-reflective, and Competition MK II, with sequentially illuminating row of LED lights (replaceable button-battery powered, with Wii type motion sensor). Invented and MFG by E. Kroeger Communication Company. Accept no substitute. USA.

Save fuel and protect the environment. Type III Superconducting electro magnetic device attaches to unsuspecting car or truck to allow safe, efficient shadow riding. Ride up to a car. Launch tag. Turn on Electro Magnet. Draft car and shut off engine. Quick release safety lever allows for no hassle detach from connection. Recommended for long highway rides. Magnetic tag launcher installs easily on any bike, via suction cups or handlebar mounts. Detailed instructions show step-by-step procedure to ensure accurate aim and delivery of magno-adhesive tags. Superconducting base unit, exclusively produced by Sumitomo Electric Industries, mounts to the tank and operates on the principle of quantitized magnetic flux that provides solid magnetic connection between base and tag, without interfering with other on-board electronic devices. Maintains 20 foot buffer zone between bike and host vehicle. Experience the silence of engine-off riding and unbelievable gas mileage, too. Includes: launcher with six magno-adhesive tags, Superconducting Electro Magnet, Instructions. 12V. 72A.

Think of a small pepper grinder's hardened cutting rings. Stack six of those, from coarse to ultra-ultra fine, all powered by a 1hp 12V electric motor contained on one side of the frame hump inside a normal 'gas' tank. On the other side is a miniature horizontal rotary auger force-feeding a hopper's worth of coal chunks right into the grinder. Ok, it's alittle noisy in operation, but ordinary charcoal briquettes (or low-sulphate western bitumen...) work just fine. What comes out the petcock end is explosive nano-sized particles of coal dust, looking much like black flour. A turbocharger sends this stuff down fuel tubes with 1.5lbs of pressure right past the nozzles of a nearly conventional fuel injector. Bang! Bang! Bang! Whooo-wooooo! Coal's a comin'! You lose about 20% in Hp, but on a cost-per-mile basis, you'll save about a third of what you currently pay at the pump. This is an expensive, well engineered conversion that includes the replacement tank, all pressure lines and modified injectors. Coal. It's America's Future. And now it's yours. For KLR, BMW GS, Enfield, MZ and some Suzuki Bandits.

Shrinkage? This concentrated wash-in treatment softens the internal fiber structure at a sub-molecular level. Perfect for gear that somehow shrank over the winter. Provides up to one full size increase. Uses only two capfuls in the washing machine, so supply will last for years. After washing immediately wear damp for 20 minutes to allow the momentarily elasticized fibers to re-conform to your (ahem...) current girth before putting it in the dryer, which causes them to 'set'. For all Nylon, Polyester and other synthetic fiber textiles. Not for electric garments. Expanded suits should not be worn in rainy or damp conditions (fibers go back to original size within minutes. A choking/breathing hazard). From H. Held Industries. 5 oz bottle.

Carry in your wallet for emergencies. A close replica of the one used in Monopoly games.

Equal parts useful and nutritious. This set of six wrenches performs standard bolt-turning duties as well as providing 100% of your daily recommended intake for iron and twelve other essential nutrients. Each is infused with healthful goodness, and unlike wimpy grocery store energy bars this one is guaranteed to stay with you down the road…See this video to learn more.

A Gut Wrench is ideal for when the trip schedule doesn’t permit time to stop for a bite to eat, and they last nearly forever (if you keep them dry), so pack along a set of Gut Wrenches in your tool kit so you’ll always have a solid, fortified snack at the ready.

Also, each Gut Wrench will provide an immediate weight gain and is a great source of roughage, providing the best intestinal cleanse available. One will satiate even the largest appetites so they are great for a quick rest-stop snack to ward off hunger pangs during the longest marathon rides. Price includes one-time emergency extraction coupon, should you lack the intestinal fortitude for complete digestion (our lawyers made us say that). Specify Metric, Whitworth or American.

A miniature tent that's just large enough for your head. You’ve ridden to a race weekend (Road America AMA, Isle of Man TT, etc...) and you travel light. As usual, there are no hotel rooms within fifty miles and the campgrounds are full...so you head to ‘Nicaragua’ a piece o’ swampland that an enterprising farmer turns into an impromptu campground every year. Now, you find your friends and become very completely baked or drunk. It ‘s an annual tradition...and so is the cold, wet rain which falls later. Head Tent to the rescue! The Head Tent is an easy-to-set-up (...even while impaired) tensioned catenary pentagonal design and is large enough to completely protect just your head and neck. Stakeless Easton wands allows it to be set up wherever you happen to fall down. The siliconized 1.4 oz ripstip fabric is naturally breathable and luminesces slightly (so less people will trip over you). The single wall Head Tent is compact to carry and makes things much easier when you need to go out and pee in the middle of the night. Be prepared to sleep anywhere. You know you need this. 20”x 18” x 18”, 13 oz.

Oncoming traffic sees the sharply glowing holographically projected image of whatever your choose. Imagine projecting a transparent from behind (but real appearing from the front) Peterbuilt tractor trailer rig instead of your bike, …especially on high speed twisty backroads. Uses only the power from your headlight, channeled through a small, sophisticated holographic projector that is about the size of a soft drink can. Universal clamp-on design that mounts easily to any machine. Interchangeable image cartridges include: Ratty Diamond Reo oil tanker semi, Massy Harris Ag-master combine, weaving 70’s Buick Electra duce and a quarter with drunk at wheel, late model Ford Crown Vic highway patrol car, Boeing 747 on emergency landing final approach (requires 100 watt high beam in headlamp), Harley fat and low Ness custom. Includes walnut and complete installation instructions. Color is black chrome titanium.

Perfect gift for riders who are always annoyingly organized and perpetually well-prepared. These have the functional appearance of a normal standard bungee, but they always retain the internal kinetic energy that normally self-disperses upon storage. So although they may look completely relaxed, they're actually still ready to snap back and bite innocents at the slightest touch. (We've no idea how they actually work, and the Chinese importer won't tell us, either.) Available in colorful three-packs and intertwined they look a lot like a den of wriggling snakes among the other contents of a tank bag. Includes walnut. Assorted colors. Set of 3.

Based on time proven "water witch" principles, and constructed of the latest hi-tech materials, this is an indispensable tool for the serious touring rider. The IRF mounts easily and securely to the handlebars of any motorcycle and provides a continuous illuminated readout on the interest factor of each and every side road you pass. Adjustable focus to emphasize scenery, traffic density, "twisties," police enforcement, road food quality, or motel room availability. Guaranteed to increase your riding fun (for the life of the original purchaser). Entirely hand crafted by Venusians, and imported exclusively by the RIDERWearHouse. Adjustable cowbell alert tones.

C’mon admit it. If you didn’t have one of these things strapped to the rack of your UJM back in the 70’s you at least thought about it. Or knew someone who did. And think now-who got to go on the beer/brat/laundry run? And always had a frisbee or baseball mitt and a sweater handy? Not so dumb was it? Return to those halcyon days of unmatched utility but with none of the klugy connotations and dorky looks. This byproduct of our embryonic missile defense initiative features an electrodynamic sub-molecular wire-frame structural grid projection system which describes a cubic area roughly the equivalent of the good ‘ol stole-it-from-behind-the-convenience-store milk crate. The containment envelope can be varied from the size of a grapefruit to approximately 3'x3'x3' but the largest setting could be hard on your alternator as the amp draw escalates rapidly. The grid projection unit measures 1.5" x 5".

For holding fatigued knees against the tank during long rides. Prevents unsightly ‘knee splay’ and the attendant air drag. Choose Magnetic or Hook and Loop mounts. Manufactured by Allaband Industries.