Walnut

This is how the experts make sure they get more riding. On nice days this voice alarm clock speaks: “It’s going to be a gorgeous, clear, sunny day, so GET OUT OF BED NOW!” The phrases vary depending on conditions outside. You decide to sleep in… or wake up… while still in bed. If it’s cool and raining, this alarm clock voices: “Go ahead and sleep in. Rest up. The weather stinks today.” How does it work? External probes continuously monitor precipitation, temperature, humidity, wind velocity, barometric pressure and other current conditions. An advanced internal microprocessor uses a US weather bureau developed fuzzy logic algorithm to decide (on a continuously updated basis) which (of ten different) alarm message to deliver… and it makes the right choice 93.2% of the time! Low cost accessory modules can telephone your work and deliver pre-recorded but plausible excuse for lateness or for missing the whole day. Keep ahead of those unreliable commercial weather forecasts. Includes walnut and transitive subwoofers. Tim Carrithers endorsed.

Oh sure. Spend the bucks for a CB or FRS communications system and what do you get? Your riding buddy talking over the air about his butt rash or how that cloud looks like the outboard motor he got from his uncle but never got running, or pointless observations about how cold or hot it is. Makes you want to scream, don’t it? Before you tune everything out or tear it all off in frustration, try the Wireless Banality Blocker. Speech-recognition technology invented for the disabled now makes putting the kibosh on stupid-ass conversations a snap. It’s pre-programmed to screen out all lame comments and banalities, allowing important phrases like ‘There’s a cop’ and ‘I just hit reserve’ to come through fine. The ‘blocker’ module installs between any transceiver and antenna, and the control uniconveniently mounts anywhere on your bike. Works like call-blocking and call-waiting, only better. Expect a slight learning curve as the word-recognition system builds its initial vocabulary. Specify English or Spanish.

Awww, shoot! Forgot to pull your battery last fall, didn't you? Let's face it, batteries are a pain. They don't last forever, and there's a finite amount of gizmos, gadgets and farkels you can run off them without running into one messy electrical problem or another. Good riddance. Inside each and every one of these special batteries resides just enough nuclear waste to power everything you've ever dreamed of powering on your bike. Without wires. Wait a minute...everything...wireless?! Yes, you heard right. The compartment itself is made of a hermetically sealed 1" thick polycarbonate resin and comes with a lead blanket to drape over your seat, so it's completely safe. Built to last lifetimes.